White Discomfort

Change/Transformation, Hard Stuff, Power/Privilege, Social Justice, Systems, Uncategorized

This is a post for white people everywhere, myself included. Any time you find yourself uncomfortable or unhappy in a conversation about race, don’t say anything until you consider this : For hundreds of years, black people died or were tortured for saying anything beyond “yes” or “no” and possibly even for that.

There is no way to ever justify or right that wrong. None.

The legacy of those hundreds of years has brought us to the point that black people today not only need and want to discuss their thoughts and feelings about this terrifying past, they have the platforms to do so, in ways they never have before.

Because so many black and brown voices have been brutally punished or silenced, we are given a great honor when these same voices continue to speak, continue to demand justice. They give us the chance to be better than we are, to make the right choices, and be our best selves.

Given that history, when I consider that black and brown people call themselves my friend and are kind to me, it seems the least I can do is deal with a bit of discomfort. I may feel defensive or ashamed or guilty, but those feelings are normal, if unwanted. It is MY job to hold them, not my friends’ job to make me feel better.

I don’t like making shaming comparisons, but my feelings of discomfort and guilt are minor next to the massive system of racial oppression that has existed in the US for centuries. Those feelings are almost nothing compared to the pain, degradation, and deaths of millions of dark-skinned folk. Next time we’re feeling antsy, remember that black people have felt like this for hundreds of years, but have kept silent for fear of their lives.

How many times have my black and brown friends and fellow humans felt uncomfortable or afraid because of the color of their skin? How often have I? How many times have they wanted to speak about their discomfort but were afraid of significant retaliation? How often have I?

For most of us white folk, if we are being truly honest, the answers are rarely and even more rarely. Our skin color has given us the right to openly discuss our discomfort and not fear retaliation based on our race.

This message isnt directed at people who are passively enjoying their privilege as beneficiaries of a racist system. Those people don’t care and probably won’t feel uncomfortable anyway. But for those of us who are trying, part of our work is to find the courage to own our discomfort, and not look to our black and brown friends for comfort.

It really is the very least we can do.


Emphatically ambiguous

Hard Stuff, It's Personal, Obstacles/Challenges, Reflection, Social Justice, Uncategorized, Writing


As I wrote in a previous post, my sexual orientation has been the subject of confusion and speculation from time to time.  After writing that post, I began thinking about my racial ambiguity, something that has worked in my favor in more than one way.  I’ve been asked about my racial makeup more times than I can count or remember.  It started when I was in high school, although I didn’t realize it at the time.  I was called “oreo,” “high yellow,” or “pug nose” by black boys and girls.  I didn’t know those were considered insults because I, like most white people, had no concept of race when I was younger.  White boys and girls insulted a different aspect of my appearance, my large size, with charming names such as “grape ape” and “jolly green giant,” while their fathers commented on the size of “the bumps on my chest” when I was as young as 11.

I found out about ten years ago that my mother’s mother’s family escaped eastern Europe during the Russian pograms in the early 1900s, coming to the US in the late teens, early 20s.  Her maternal grandfather took the name “Lapp” when he came through Ellis Island, and thoroughly buried the family’s Jewish heritage once he was settled.  The story of the immigration is unclear, but we know the younger children, including my mother’s mother, knew nothing of their family’s history.  They became staunchly Lutheran, I think, even though the rumor is that my great-grandfather and his family had been practicing Jews before they immigrated.

The history of my biological paternity is one of our family skeletons, and not entirely my story to tell.  I’ll leave it in the closet except to say that he would not be considered “white” as western Europeans define “white.”  Between these two racial streams, I’ve inherited an emphatically ambiguous appearance.  I could be from almost any dark-haired, dark-eyed group of people.  Not all of them, but many, and I’ve been asked, mainly by white people, about my ethnicity for years and years.  I hate being asked because while it isn’t a *secret*, the story behind it is a personal and painful family story and one I don’t often share.

In the last few years, when asked, my answer is always that I’m white.  I was raised white, I pass for white, I reap the benefits of passing for white, and I think like a white person.  So I identify as white.  I ignore the implied “What’s your racial makeup?” question, because it’s none of their goddamm business. People of color, on the other hand, seem to assume I’m mixed and rarely ask. If I’m out dancing, brown and black men tend to ask “where are you from?” which I interpret as curiosity about my ethnic/racial makeup, or maybe just my country of origin.  I’m always kind of stumped (and irritated) because saying “North Carolina” or “Portland” doesn’t seem quite right.  Sometimes I answer “the US,” but all those answers feel awkward, like I’m not really answering the question.  Should I tell them “I’m a white girl, I just look like a POC?”

It is a strange feeling to be asked about my background, and experience that piece of racism, when I’ve so obviously benefited from my white speech and privilege otherwise.  I remember being invited to go to a dinner party with a black friend of mine.  There were black and brown people there, but the hostess was white.  We were all settled, served, and enjoying the food when she started quizzing me about my ethnicity.  She was a total stranger to me, and I was speechless that she thought it was okay to ask me about such a personal thing, publicly, in front of other strangers.  I tried to politely redirect her, and avoid her question, but she was persistent.  I don’t remember what I finally said, but I remember my friend was incensed on my behalf, he may have been the one who stopped the conversation.

I didn’t know until much later that her assumption that it was okay to ask about my “background” was a display of white privilege.  There’s a lot of ignorance packed into what seems like an innocent question, a question white people almost never ask other people they assume are white.  I have been asked so many times in my life that I have always accepted it was normal and okay for people to ask.  I realized only recently that people ask because they make assumptions about me based  on my ethnically ambiguous physical appearance.  I talk like a middle class white person, but my appearance triggers some “she’s not white” radar, so they attempt to uncover something they can use to label me, something that will provide a clue, or a quicker understanding of who I am.

To clarify – I have not been the recipient of racism in the same way a person who can’t pass for white has been.  The encounters I’ve had were more irritating than degrading or dangerous, and for that I’m grateful.  I’m writing this because I’ve been thinking a lot about the shortcuts we take in trying to get to know each other.  I understand that we have to label in order to somehow organize the massive amounts of information we absorb.  Humans have labeled as a way of making meaning for as long as we’ve been conscious – it’s instinctive and helpful in many ways.

But we are starting to see and hear and experience the damage that comes from slapping labels onto everything and everyone.  We are also starting to resist being labeled by others – we want more and more to define ourselves, to explore our uniqueness and the elements that have combined to create our own individual selves.  Being labeled becomes burdensome and irritating, even when we know there is no ill intent, just someone trying to wade through a pile of data.

My ethnic ambiguity is part of the richer, deeper story of me, and there are no shortcuts to learning that tale.

Trump, the ultimate male fantasy figure

Blergh, Hard Stuff, Obstacles/Challenges, Power/Privilege, Social Justice, Uncategorized

As many of us have (more than I would have guessed, according to polls) I’ve been thinking about Donald Trump, and this startling wave of publicity he’s riding.  He’s always been one of “those” people – in the news for various things, none of them very positive, most seeming pretty slimy.  His wealth certainly represents one aspect of success, and I’m sure many people see him as a powerful man, but those things don’t explain, for me, why he’s suddenly the front-runner in the GOP’s pack of nominee hopefuls.

So why?  How can a man who is almost a caricature of himself suddenly capture the minds and attention of millions of people?  I think one answer is that he is the ultimate white man’s fantasy persona.  He does and says whatever he wants to – regardless of its impact on other people – and reaps no significant consequences.  He appears to need no significant relationships, have no important emotional attachments that are impacted by his behavior and words, and we know he has all the means he would ever need to support himself.

In short, he’s the ultimate loner and mythic hero figure, at least in the minds of some; a “man’s man” who doesn’t have to be “politically correct” or cater to the needs and whims of all these namby-pamby weepy types who populate the world.  He’s free and able to say exactly what he thinks, do whatever he wants, have whatever women he wants, and buy anything his heart desires.  But where a hero is usually deeply connected to a quest, often a quest to make life better for people who are suffering somehow, Trump only wants to make life (even) better for others like him – über wealthy, privileged, entitled men whose power means they (seem to) answer to no one.

I believe that the men who support him are men who, like him, are terrified of the changes they know are coming.  They see the power structure that has benefited them starting to shift, and they’re having trouble coping (as anyone would). When they hear Trump saying all the vile, hateful, angry things they’re thinking – they’re relieved.  Someone else feels the same way, and someone is actually saying all the things they think but won’t say. I use the word “won’t” deliberately because I think not saying those things is a case of will, not a case of ability.

On some level, I believe many of the men who are so enamored of him right now know that the statements he makes are wrong.  That they are mean, vindictive, hateful, and largely inaccurate.  It’s the difference between being pissed and having a crazed rant inside your head, then getting your shit together and dealing with the problem in a mature fashion, or just standing around calling the other person names, or threatening to punch them in the face.  It’s much easier to just rant and rave and ignore any significant work that needs to be done.

Thinking with nuance, from a variety of perspectives, and acknowledging multiple opinions and needs takes a lot of work and effort.  Screaming angrily about what you don’t understand or care about, the unfairness of it all, and that you don’t want things to change is much, much easier, and Trump is the master of that rhetoric.  He’s the poster boy of the entitled, privileged white male who simply doesn’t acknowledge that all those other water-filled meat sacks are actually human beings.

He seems to just not care.  And that’s why he won’t last.  Because most of those white guys who fantasize about doing what he does know, on some level, that it’s wrong.  Many of them have women they care about, they have friends or colleagues of different ethnic backgrounds, religious affiliations, sexual orientations, and so on.  Most of those men care about hurting someone’s feelings, even if they aren’t aware of that care.  That’s why they don’t actually *say* those things, but live out their fantasy through Trump and men like him.

Even though people are often greedy, petty, and oblivious, I just can’t bring myself to believe that Trump represents anything other than a fleeting moment of vicarious excitement.  I have to believe that the majority of people do care about the feelings of others, even if that care is deeply buried.  I have to believe that mean and spiteful men like Trump don’t truly represent the men (or women) of this country.

GOODFELLAS, Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, Paul Sorvino, Joe Pesci, 1990

GOODFELLAS, Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, Paul Sorvino, Joe Pesci, 1990

No accountability, no consequences.

For my black friends

Change/Transformation, Hard Stuff, Obstacles/Challenges, Peace/Conflict, Power/Privilege, Reflection, Social Justice, Systems, Uncategorized, Writing

The names of the victims:  Clementa Pinckney, 41, the senior pastor at the church; Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, 45, an assistant pastor; Tywanza Sanders, 26; Ethel Lance, 70; Susie Jackson, 87; Cynthia Hurd, 54; Myra Thompson, 59; Daniel Simmons Sr., 74; DePayne Middleton Doctor, 49.

There is no good way to write something like this. Everything feels wrong and awkward and pandering, none of it feels quite on point. I grew up in North Carolina, with a few years each in South Carolina and Virginia. Make no mistake, NC and SC are both southern states, with many of the attendant  attitudes, ignorance, and hatreds.

I keep going over what I want to say and it doesn’t get any better. Apologies mean nothing if the same brutal acts keep happening. I can’t keep my black friends and loved ones safe, they can’t keep themselves safe, and a significant portion of our population deliberately pretends not to see the reality of racism, hatred, and domestic terrorism that’s happening.

When President Obama simply mentioning that the suspect had a gun and that, again, access to guns has rendered a terrible result, has a whole chunk of people are angry and screaming about their violated rights. When another group of people simply refuse to acknowledge this hate crime as racially motivated and instead insist that it was an attack on Christians, and proof of the pesecution of Christians, and I am left with my mouth gaping open, jaw swinging in the wind. When these things happen, I am ashamed and embarrassed that I share any human biology with these groups of people.

We just watched the trial of the remaining man involved on the Boston Marathon bombing. We immediately agreed that he was a terrorist, and that his was an act of hatred toward people simply because they were US citizens. He targeted them based on something they couldn’t control, some portion of who they are.

Why are we so fundamentally broken that we won’t even acknowledge this fact in this case? That white man was radicalized and groomed, then sent on a suicide mission to terrorize and kill the people in that church. That he is still alive is almost irrelevant, it’s a physical state only. That depth of depravity can’t leave much alive inside his mind and heart, there is probably only a black, bleak wasteland of hatred and isolation.

There is no way I can apologize for this, no way I can comfort, or reassure, no way I can see to promise it won’t happen again, or that you and your family will be safe. I can continue my work of being an ally, of addressing white people’s issues, and transforming our minds and hearts, but that is cold comfort in moments like this. I have long been in awe of the black community’s capacity for moving forward, and aware that there is so much that, as a white woman, I don’t know and will never know. Maybe one day that will change, and the world will be safe enough for us to share more deeply.