Today is not a good day

Blergh, It's Personal, Obstacles/Challenges, Rants, Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing

It just isn’t.  It’s been four and a half months of unemployment.  Four and a half months of ambiguity, uncertainty, and frustration.  Four and a half months of finding ways to “explore” my creative self, taking on volunteer projects, planning and preparing for future endeavors, reconnecting with friends, starting to network around the city again, and all the other ways I can milk this time off.

Believe me, I am grateful.

Even though the ending was hard, I am grateful to be out of my last job.  I am grateful to receive unemployment, grateful that I have no dependents, and that I have a gracious, affordable living space.  I am grateful that I had the means to seek help when I needed it, that I have a loving and supportive group of friends and extended family, that my life is calm and quiet, that I am financially able to care for myself and meet my material needs.  I am grateful I have built enough confidence to know that I will find meaningful work, and that I have a rich professional network to draw from when I do.

I am grateful for all of these things and still, today is not a Good Day.

The waiting is making me anxious, and I feel sedentary and stuck.  Positive self talk and forced cheerfulness are not welcome here today.  I’m finding things to nag myself about, and eagerly discovering fault in even the things I’m managing to well and consistently.   My toilet needs to be cleaned, I need a shower, have stopped cooking for myself more than one or two days a week, and can’t seem to make myself write every day.

I have no excuse for these things.  I have no dependents to care for, plenty of time, and few obligations, and yet my toilet goes unscrubbed and toenails go unpainted.  I’m not overly depressed or panicked, I’m doing the things I need to do, even if I don’t always feel like doing them.  But limitless, unbounded time isn’t the nirvana it’s made out to be, especially when there is are obvious ends.  If there were an end in sight, I believe there would be some sense of relief, of comfort in knowing that life will return to normal in 3…2….1….

I’m not looking for cheering up or placation or comforting remarks.  They wouldn’t work anyway because today simply isn’t a Good Day.

It's not your day.

It’s not your day.

Walls

Blergh, Novelicious, Obstacles/Challenges, Uncategorized, Writing

I’ve been absent from my blog for the last several weeks, but not from writing.  I started writing Morning Pages (essentially a journaling exercise), documenting and observing in my beautiful Moleskine notebook, creating unexpected art, and (of utmost importance) have been writing The Book.  It’s NaNoWriMo and I’ve been riding that energy, but yesterday was awful.  Although I have completed 1 section (there are 5 total) I was arrogant (read: stupid) enough to think I could get the whole book drafted this month.  I thought this until I’d sent the first section to some friends for review and sat down to start the second section.

The chirping of crickets filled my ears, my head, my soul, accompanied by the BWAHAHAHAHAHAH of the inner critic, and the absolute truth that what I was writing was total shit.

This is the first time I’ve ever hit this particular wall, and I am now fully aware of why it’s so cold and heartbreaking.  That self-doubt (I can’t say this well, my writing is crap, this story is stupid, I’m an idiot, other people will be hurt/mad/whatever) carried over into every aspect of my life.  My interactions with people were yuck, I bailed on an event I’d paid for, and tried to fall asleep at 7:30 in the evening to avoid having to think.

It was horrendous.

Today, I’m facing the reality that I will not complete all five sections by the end of November – I have no idea when I’ll complete them.  The sense of urgency to finish – to get the work into the world – has only increased, but I feel like my capacity is diminished.  I’m also taking the opportunity to thrash myself a bit for wasting all this precious time.  “You’ll never have another opportunity like this!” say the voices.  “How many people get the luxury of time between jobs to create?” say the voices. “This topic is so relevant, so timely, HOW ARE YOU NOT DONE YET?!” scream the voices. “What makes you think that what you’re saying is real?  What if you’re a delusional psycho?” whisper the voices.

I’ve had similar experiences in other areas of my life, and I have to believe the same axiom holds:

pass1

That last bit isn’t traditional, but it’s honest.

Shite happens.

It's Personal, Obstacles/Challenges, Rants, Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing

tangle-of-wires

Unfortunately, it seems to be all that’s happening.  I’ve been distracted for the last couple of weeks, writing minimally, attention on other things.  It’s shocking how quickly that slight shift in focus has torn up my writing rails, twisting them into and out of recognizable shapes, drops, detours, and giant iron cobbles.

I assume this is part of the process, this disgust with my thoughts, words, inaction, distraction, and disorganization.  Perhaps I’m being rendered, fat and proteins separated into sloppy, sloshy piles for me to paw through, when I eventually re-orient toward….something.  Let’s hope the end product is better than a can of pet food.