My name is M and I’m a middle-aged single woman who chose not to have children. I have a wonderful group of friends, work I care about and am good at, access to lots of social activities, a living wage job with an ethical employer, and a safe, beautiful place to live. As I type all those things, I wonder why the hell I’m writing you, but I’m doing it anyway because I feel trapped and dissatisfied and I need guidance.
Feeling trapped and dissatisfied, in turn, makes me feel like a bad, ungrateful person so let’s say right now, for all future conversations, I’m grateful for what I have, but I want more. I crave more, and I’m trying to create a path that integrates gratitude and desire.
How do I do that?
I don’t know. No one does. All the big brains and hearts and voices have been trying to figure it out since you had more than one cell to rub together. Remember, I’m only an anthropomorphic idea you decided to write to, I don’t know much beyond what you know, but I’ll offer you this image:
When I look at a person, I don’t see the physical body that you see. What I see is a light surrounded by an infinite number of intricate layers – like those Chinese lanterns with all the patterns? Those are all meshed together – thick, thin, lacy, solid, dark, light, permeable, fluid, rigid, and so on. The light shines out, but it has to make its way through all those layers, through the little chinks and cracks where the gaps line up.
Every so often, everything lines up perfectly and a lot of light gets out – that’s when you get those transcendent pieces of creation or messages that endure and survive and inspire for hundreds and hundreds of years.
I’m telling you this because the desire you feel is to shine more of that light. You crave the sensation of having more and more clear space for that inner light to expose itself, to shine on the world around you. It’s what all humans want – it’s the reason you are here.
There is no difference in experiencing immense gratitude for the light that already shines, and desiring more of the same. That desire is what leads you forward, and inspires you to be more fully yourself. And that is where the magic happens.