It’s M again and today, I want to kill someone, or die. No. Neither of those is true, but I’m consumed, eaten with rage at another round of mass murders, this time impacting people I know and care about. All these mass gun murders deeply touch my soul, but this was in my home state, in my college community, and it punched me in the heart.
I consider myself a reasonable person, compassionate, and willing to see all sides of an issue, but I’m done. I’m done trying to understand the perspective of people who seem to not care that guns are used daily to murder and terrorize hundreds and thousands of innocent people in this country. I’m done with the bullying and threatening and open-carry intimidation when legislators and citizens try to get even minimal gun control laws on the books.
There is no reason here. There is no attempt to meet in the middle, no attempt to understand suffering, or even agreement that sometimes, sometimes, an individual’s right to carry a weapon is trumped by another individual’s right to simply live.
How do I move forward so gorged with hatred and fear? All I feel capable of doing is violence.
There is no reasoning with fear. And there is no way to understand another person’s particular, personal terror. There is also nothing that says you have to try. It is your choice to try or not, and there are consequences either way. Your ability to move through this time may feel compromised and it is up to you to take the necessary steps to help yourself cope in a way that aligns with who you are.
You are not hatred. You are not rage or fear or abject, gibbering terror. None of you are but many of you don’t remember that. Many of you live in that profound, unconscious state of terror every day. It is exhausting for every single one of you living on that planet, but that is the nature of the human condition, and your greatest individual challenge.
Remembering that you are NOT a being made of fear, cowering in a darkened cave is the hardest act and the greatest.