Change the Talk, Change the Walk

Change/Transformation, Leadership, Peace/Conflict, Power/Privilege, Social Justice, Systems, Uncategorized

My friend Britt said many of the things I’ve been thinking about the Bernie/Hillary “split,” and many are identical to the Hillary/Barak split of 2008, although the stakes didn’t feel as high then. I’m going to vote for whoever is the Democratic candidate. Having total Republican control of this country is unthinkable for me given the current state of the Republican party. It’s not clear to me that the rank and file Dems of this country understand how critical it is that Bernie and Hillary NOT annihilate each other during the primaries, women especially.

The Republicans are positioned to have control over not only our federal branches, but our state and local governments also. They’ve spent years and billions getting governors and state legislators elected, city and county officials, and large numbers of conservatives judges at the state and federal levels. THIS IS WHERE WE LOSE.  If we continue spraying vitriol at each other, we lose the power we need in order to stabilize the leakage of civil and personal rights at the state and local level.

We don’t lose because we have a Republican president, we lose because we’ve lost the states, and that means we’re losing to people who have been hornswaggled and bamboozled into thinking big money interests are their interests. It’s been happening for a long time (and here), and the tide shows no hint of turning back – our country is becoming more and more divided between those who can accept the forces of change and those who simply can’t tolerate the thought. You can figure out who is on which side – the people in power want to stay in power and that’s human nature.

But if we spend our energy fighting each other – which is what we’re setting ourselves up for – then we have nothing left to win the bigger battle. I hate using a war metaphor, but that’s the system we’ve got to work with – whether or not we agree.  We have set up a system that not only pits the parties against each other, it pits the candidates from the same party into almost as brutal a battle!  That’s insanity, and its symptomatic of the black/white, either/or thinking that is now polarizing our citizens.

I don’t write all this because I hate Republicans, tradition, or conservative values. I believe we have much more in common than we allow ourselves to realize. I believe the Republican party – the people who could help us keep a close eye on government reach, help us make and enforce moderate fiscal policies, discuss the importance of reasonable immigration policy that is sensitive to the needs of our nation and suffering people coming here and bring insight to all those other crucial issues – has been hijacked and destroyed by the greed and corruption of a few with limitless coffers.

Bernie and Hillary are going to duke it out – there’s nothing we can do to stop that fight. But the supporters of each candidate DO have a choice – we can choose to limit our involvement in name-calling, bullying, hateful rhetoric, and general nastiness that we’re throwing at each other.  We have the choice to stop all of that behavior.  Not redirect it toward other candidates, but STOP IT COMPLETELY.  When we choose to maintain more civility and kindness, we have more energy to take the work where it needs to happen – at the state, local, and individual level.

It’s fine to disagree, but the level of hateful, vile speech happening within the Democratic party is reprehensible.  If we’re going to walk our talk, then our talk needs to change.

kindess

Conversations with Life, #3

Hard Stuff, Life, Obstacles/Challenges, Peace/Conflict, Social Justice, Uncategorized, Writing

Life,

It’s M again and today, I want to kill someone, or die.  No. Neither of those is true, but I’m consumed, eaten with rage at another round of mass murders, this time impacting people I know and care about.  All these mass gun murders deeply touch my soul, but this was in my home state, in my college community, and it punched me in the heart.

I consider myself a reasonable person, compassionate, and willing to see all sides of an issue, but I’m done.  I’m done trying to understand the perspective of people who seem to not care that guns are used daily to murder and terrorize hundreds and thousands of innocent people in this country.  I’m done with the bullying and threatening and open-carry intimidation when legislators and citizens try to get even minimal gun control laws on the books.

There is no reason here.  There is no attempt to meet in the middle, no attempt to understand suffering, or even agreement that sometimes, sometimes, an individual’s right to carry a weapon is trumped by another individual’s right to simply live.

How do I move forward so gorged with hatred and fear?  All I feel capable of doing is violence.

Dear M,

There is no reasoning with fear.  And there is no way to understand another person’s particular, personal terror.  There is also nothing that says you have to try.  It is your choice to try or not, and there are consequences either way. Your ability to move through this time may feel compromised and it is up to you to take the necessary steps to help yourself cope in a way that aligns with who you are.

You are not hatred. You are not rage or fear or abject, gibbering terror.  None of you are but many of you don’t remember that.  Many of you live in that profound, unconscious state of terror every day.  It is exhausting for every single one of you living on that planet, but that is the nature of the human condition, and your greatest individual challenge.

Remembering that you are NOT a being made of fear, cowering in a darkened cave is the hardest act and the greatest.

Always,

Life

On Guns

Hard Stuff, It's Personal, Obstacles/Challenges, Peace/Conflict, Power/Privilege, Social Justice, Systems, Uncategorized

I have refrained from writing about guns because it’s hard for me to think about the topic without intense emotion.  Intense emotion can be helpful in writing, but it can also be alienating, resulting in people shutting down and disengaging.  But I need to say these things because I cannot continue sit by and say nothing.

Yesterday, I posted a facetious meme about gun control.  The meme was more about the fallacy of the “ban it” argument than gun control, but someone close to me took to the FB to respond with the “ban cars because drunk people drive them” argument.  I have thought long and hard about that argument, but I couldn’t think of any way to respond productively because it’s an argument based on so much denial and willful blindness that it’s hard to find a common path to discussion.

Let me be clear:  I despise guns.  I hate them, I’m afraid of them, and I wish they had never been invented.  That said, the reality is that they exist, people own them, and there’s nothing I can do about that.  In the interest of a free society, and free will, I understand that there are freedoms we protect even when we don’t agree.  So I won’t make the argument that we need a blanket gun ban, or that individuals shouldn’t be allowed to have them.  It’s not reasonable to expect and impossible to enforce.

But something has to change and using the analogy “ban cars because drunk people drive them and kill people” to argue against the problem of gun violence is ignorant and dismissive of a serious, deadly problem in our country.  Consider the following:

  • A man did not take 26 nooses into an elementary school and hang 20 children and six adults.
  • A man did not drive a car into a theatre and run over people sitting inside.
  • Another man did not drive a car into another theatre and run over more people sitting inside.
  • A man did not take a knife into a church and stab nine people to death.
  • A man did not build a pyre on a military base and tie people to the stake.
  • Another man did not take poison and put it in the water at another military base.
  • A man did not take a baseball bat and beat people to death in a Sikh temple

One of the reasons we have made no progress in coming to a reasonable solution on this issue is because federal funding for research into the causes and impacts of gun violence has been blocked by Congress for the last 20 years.  Even though funding was restored two years ago, the CDC is still tentative and Congress refuses to budget funding.  If we had more information on the causes and impacts of gun violence, maybe we could start to work on solutions, but that isn’t happening.

For me, the comparison between cars and guns isn’t legitimate because cars, and all the other possible weapons listed above, serve a variety of purposes.  That they are temporarily repurposed as weapons isn’t an argument in favor of getting rid of them.  That people get drunk and drive is an argument for people exercising better judgment, more treatment options for people with serious problems, and so on.  It’s not an argument about cars because people who get in a car usually don’t think about it as a weapon, or intentionally set out to harm or kill others.

But all the men who murdered people in the horrific acts mentioned above DID pick up a weapon.  They picked it up, they did it with intention, and they knew exactly what they were doing.  There was no possibility they made a mistake because guns serve no other purpose.  They are designed for killing or harming – it is their sole function and reason for existence on this earth.  When someone picks up a gun with intention to use it, there is no mistake – their intention is to harm or kill.

Their reasoning or motivation for that action may justify their choice and that’s something we must always consider.  But the gun itself may hasten that choice, simply by its nature.  Without having more information on why people decide to pick up a gun, we are presented with the false choice that’s dividing our country.  Responsible individuals are angry and afraid that their rights are being taken away, and other responsible individuals are afraid to go see a movie, go to temple, or simply walk into a church and pray.

The first step in moving toward resolution is acknowledging there is a problem. Guns are a problem in our society, and we need to find a way to work together for our collective health and safety.

Some words on Caitlyn

Change/Transformation, Peace/Conflict, Social Justice, Systems, Uncategorized

I’m not a sports fan and I didn’t watch the ESPYs.  I only caught a glimpse of the controversy through some of the postings about Caitlyn’s speech.  I admired her line about “call me whatever you want, I can take it. But transgender children shouldn’t have to.” While trans rights and advocacy aren’t my primary focus, they’re on my radar as part of larger issues of social justice and equity for all people.  I met a friend for dinner this evening, though, and he asked me my opinion, so I had to think it over more carefully.

He’d expressed a familiar sentiment, something along the lines of “why did she have to make a big deal of it?  why did she deserve an award?  why couldn’t she just do it quietly and not put herself in the spotlight?”  Those are common questions when someone does something that makes people uncomfortable, makes them question what they know and, often, how they see themselves. It’s a sign of privilege, of whatever kind, that we feel affronted and inconvenienced by someone else’s statement of identity or independence.

But with regard to Caitlyn’s ESPY award, I’m reminded of Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, and the controversy that raged around when it was awarded.  I had my own mixed feelings.  He didn’t really “do” anything to deserve the prize, but he certainly represented an enormous step for the US in moving toward a more equitable future.  Whether someone’s symbolic value deserves that level of international, global recognition isn’t clear, but I believe that awarding that prize to Obama was an attempt to recognize our nation and its (bumbling) efforts to progress.

I believe the same is true of Caitlyn’s ESPY. While Bruce was an Olympic athlete deserving of every honor, he was out of the sports world for decades, and Caitlyn has never competed.  But I think the award was bestowed for a similar reason as the Nobel – as a symbol of progress toward our betterment as people.  That we can accept a trans woman as a high profile public figure, celebrate her courage and beauty, and give her a platform to be a role model for others struggling for acceptance, is astonishing.

So while I remain of mixed thoughts about both awards, I believe that they were given in a spirit of recognition – as a way to respect and honor what they represent, if not the individual themselves.

Twitter-fied

Change/Transformation, Feminism, It's Personal, Obstacles/Challenges, Peace/Conflict, Social Justice, Uncategorized, Writing

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel confused most of the time.  This constant confusion is a result of an ongoing and bewildering mixture of wondrous, joyous, human decency with stomach-churning vileness, and moments of deep, personal sadness.  I find it impossible to determine whether I’m merely “having a rough few days/weeks/months” or if (as the beautiful, late Stephen Covey put it), I’m simply experiencing the “permanent whitewater” this shapes our lives in this time.

I believe that most of my bewilderment comes from a mental picture of my past as a more calm and stable period but I also know that probably isn’t true.  Even if it were, it all began to change in 1998 (17 years ago, almost a third of my life now) and hasn’t been “calm” since.  Everything I read tells me that most people experience some amount of upheaval throughout their 20s and 30s, and that shit really gets tough in the 40s.  But I can’t shake this nagging suspicion that somehow, this is a result of me making wrong choices, that I’ve somehow brought it, whatever “it” is, on myself.

So that’s  my personal baggage, this belief that I’m simply incapable of creating some idealistic, perfect, shining life where I make only the best decisions and experience only the best outcomes.  And yes, as I wrote that, my eyes nearly rolled out of my head.  It’s astonishing sometimes, how writing down the words in my head highlights their obvious silliness.  But….onward.

Today, despite my personal griefs and hiccups and grouchiness, looking through my Twitter feed brought my feet, head, heart, and hands into a smiling, happy place.  All the posts about the two recent SCOTUS decisions, big wins for Obama and the citizens of the US, rainbows and hearts everywhere, more scorchingly incredibly quotes from the Notorious RBG, the incredible bravery and grace of Bree Newsome taking down the Confederate flag, reminded me that things are not always going to hell in a very, very small container.

Today I am reminded that people can be brave and generous and kind and loving, at least for a few moments.  It is true that there are many, many people who feel the opposite about all of these events but for the moment, I’m not thinking of them.  I’m thinking about all my dear friends whose marriages will now be recognized in the entire country, all my students who will be able to get and afford healthcare after they parole, the women who look to Ruth Bader Ginsburg (1993), Sonia Sotomayor (2009), and Elena Kagan (2010) as glorious role models and shining feminist spirits, and now, to Bree Newsome, whose act of nonviolent civil disobedience helps mark our ongoing struggle to address the deep wounds of racism in the US.

Thank you, Twitterverse, for making my soul lighter and my day better.

CIhPMuzUMAEgtxQ

For my black friends

Change/Transformation, Hard Stuff, Obstacles/Challenges, Peace/Conflict, Power/Privilege, Reflection, Social Justice, Systems, Uncategorized, Writing

The names of the victims:  Clementa Pinckney, 41, the senior pastor at the church; Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, 45, an assistant pastor; Tywanza Sanders, 26; Ethel Lance, 70; Susie Jackson, 87; Cynthia Hurd, 54; Myra Thompson, 59; Daniel Simmons Sr., 74; DePayne Middleton Doctor, 49.

There is no good way to write something like this. Everything feels wrong and awkward and pandering, none of it feels quite on point. I grew up in North Carolina, with a few years each in South Carolina and Virginia. Make no mistake, NC and SC are both southern states, with many of the attendant  attitudes, ignorance, and hatreds.

I keep going over what I want to say and it doesn’t get any better. Apologies mean nothing if the same brutal acts keep happening. I can’t keep my black friends and loved ones safe, they can’t keep themselves safe, and a significant portion of our population deliberately pretends not to see the reality of racism, hatred, and domestic terrorism that’s happening.

When President Obama simply mentioning that the suspect had a gun and that, again, access to guns has rendered a terrible result, has a whole chunk of people are angry and screaming about their violated rights. When another group of people simply refuse to acknowledge this hate crime as racially motivated and instead insist that it was an attack on Christians, and proof of the pesecution of Christians, and I am left with my mouth gaping open, jaw swinging in the wind. When these things happen, I am ashamed and embarrassed that I share any human biology with these groups of people.

We just watched the trial of the remaining man involved on the Boston Marathon bombing. We immediately agreed that he was a terrorist, and that his was an act of hatred toward people simply because they were US citizens. He targeted them based on something they couldn’t control, some portion of who they are.

Why are we so fundamentally broken that we won’t even acknowledge this fact in this case? That white man was radicalized and groomed, then sent on a suicide mission to terrorize and kill the people in that church. That he is still alive is almost irrelevant, it’s a physical state only. That depth of depravity can’t leave much alive inside his mind and heart, there is probably only a black, bleak wasteland of hatred and isolation.

There is no way I can apologize for this, no way I can comfort, or reassure, no way I can see to promise it won’t happen again, or that you and your family will be safe. I can continue my work of being an ally, of addressing white people’s issues, and transforming our minds and hearts, but that is cold comfort in moments like this. I have long been in awe of the black community’s capacity for moving forward, and aware that there is so much that, as a white woman, I don’t know and will never know. Maybe one day that will change, and the world will be safe enough for us to share more deeply.

Don’t worry, I won’t

Hard Stuff, Peace/Conflict, Social Justice, Uncategorized

For a while now, service men and women have been talking/not talking about the whole “thank you for your service” bit.  You know, the one where Person X realizes Person Y served in one of our endless wars and claps them on the shoulder with a hearty “Thank you for your service!”  That one?

Well, vets aren’t buying it, in part because they see it as an easy way for people to avoid truly understanding their sacrifices and suffering.  They’re probably right – it IS an easy way for people to feel like they’ve done something, liking or sharing a post or passing along a petition.  It’s ephemeral action, prompted by vague sensations of obligation and guilt.  But it’s over quickly and life goes on badda bing, badda boom. I’m not sure what would constitute a proper “thank you,” I’m not sure there is one.

It’s almost a certainty that I’ll never thank a vet for their service because I’m not convinced that the US government sending women and men to kill and die is something I want to thank anyone for.  That I know of, no one ever thanked my father for his service and his service ultimately killed him.  A slow, lingering, wasting, psychotic death, courtesy of Agent Orange and decades of untreated PTSD. Agent Orange ate his body, while PTSD gnawed his heart and mind.  He died several years ago – sick, angry, sad, afraid, and alienated from his family.

Thank you, US government and taxpayers, for sending my father to your service. Thank you, US government and taxpayers, for treating him, and the other boys you sent to die in Vietnam, like pieces of shit when they came back.  Thank you, US government and the VA, for forcing him to wait YEARS before acknowledging his exposure to Agent Orange and all the resulting physical illness.  Thank you, US government for not having a safety net in place for him, and tens of thousands of men like him, so they didn’t die or go insane under the weight of grief and trauma and rage and fear from everything they experienced in that horrifying war.

There is my thank you, service people.  It’s the only thank you I can imagine offering.

I don’t thank people for their military service because those words simply don’t make sense to me.  I know millions of people think our military keeps us safe, and stops all those “Others” from invading our country and killing us in our sleep.  Our military keeps us “safe” by doing exactly that to people in other countries – to people who don’t look like us, don’t eat what we eat, don’t believe what we believe.  I won’t say I believe any of those people deserve to die – any more than our soldiers deserve to be sent to kill and die.  I don’t believe my safety demands they be indoctrinated with a mindset that builds towering barriers between Them and Us.

I’ve watched the US clench itself into a fist of fear and anger and confusion and grief over the last 13 years, long years since 9/11.  I’ve watched us become more and more divided over issues fundamental to our humanity, issues that used to define us as a nation.  I’ve watched us become more and more suspicious, lashing out in wide-eyed fear and mistrust.  The few who speak out against this reactive behavior are often crucified, because terror holds no room for differences of opinion.

I grew up in a military family.  I spent the first 18 years of my life on military bases, moving around, following my father to his next station.  I watched him die as a result of his service to his country.  So to all those men and women who don’t want me to thank them for their service, don’t worry – I won’t.