The last two months have been a combination of incredibly stressful and oddly blissful. I unexpectedly lost my job, have started to revitalize the toxic wasteland prison life created in my soul, have found space and time for creative endeavors, socializing, and even an occasional date. Despite all of these unexpected benefits or, perhaps, because of them, I found myself freaking out on more than one occasion. To clarify – the freakouts happened INSIDE my head, which makes me quite proud. Because no one wants that level of crazy happening In Real Life – no one.
Last week, the level of Inside Insanity reached a new height and I decided that I Had Had Enough. The rampaging, never-ending merry-go-round of ruminations, fears, projections, assumptions, worst case scenarios, *every* case scenarios, and constant attempts to foresee every possible circumstance in order to have a defense ready was O.V.E.R. I was lying (or laying) in bed and could feel my brain juices whirling around and around and around and around, the spin cycle on the washer going fasterfasterfasterfaster until everything disintegrated.
So I decided to send Fear on a vacation.
I very gently told poor, shivering, nearly senseless Fear that she could take some time off, get a tan, drink some margaritas, and enjoy white sand and blue oceans for a while. “I’ll keep things going while you’re on break” I assured her, stroking her sweaty, crusty hair, “It’ll be okay, we can get along for a bit without you.” She was reluctant, and it took a few days and several false starts, but she eventually headed out, luggage in tow. She’s dropped an occasional postcard, but it seems that taking some time for herself was just what we all needed.
And holy shit is my life better. Sending that cray cray on vacay was the best decision I’ve made in a LONG time! Not that she isn’t helpful from time to time, and I know she has my survival and protection always on her mind, but DAMN – that girl can freak the fuck out like nobody’s business!
I know she’ll come back eventually, probably when the next new thing comes along, but I believe our time apart is making our relationship more healthy. I know I feel more capable of setting good boundaries with her, not letting her get so caught up that she’s not giving anyone else a chance to take the wheel. She means well, but she’s high maintenance and I just don’t have time for that right now. Here’s to hoping the vacation lasts a long long time.